New Year jokes-Optimist and Pessimist

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

Funny New Year jokes-Prayer For the Elderly

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

One line jokes-Dinosaur arms

If my mom’s arms were dinosaurs, they’d be tricepaflops.

Funny kids jokes-Twins

When my daughter asked about two look-alike classmates at her school, I told her that were probably twins. The next day, she came home from school all excited and said, "Guess what? They are not only twins, they're brothers!"

Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.

Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.

She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.

Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0

'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

Really funny jokes-Smart people

If you buy a Car or a House on Loan & don`t repay . . . . . . . . .the Bank takes it away.

Now, smart People are taking loans for MARRIAGE!

Funny New Year jokes-Quit smoking

Dave, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Kevin, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Kevin responds.

'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Dave with a grin.

'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Kevin.

'Yeah,' laughs Dave, 'I've quit buying.'

Really funny jokes-Pope buying on eBay

How does the pope buy things on eBay?

He uses his papal account!

Funny New Year jokes-One person who makes life worth living

On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Hilarious jokes-Bear arms

Did you hear about the American who got in big trouble after he dismembered a grizzly?

He misunderstood the 2nd amendment when it said he was entitled to bear arms.

Really funny jokes-Spit in the Beer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

History jokes-Spanish explorers

The Spanish explorers went round the world in a galleon.

How many galleons did the get to the mile !

Christmas jokes-Ken's Letter To Santa

Ken's Letter To Santa


Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the idiot has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to changes our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken" ? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken" "Green Lantern Ken" "Chippendale Ken" ... "Master Ken" These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the idiot to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having G.I.Joe - he's mine.

Real sincerely,
Ken

Short funny jokes-Hamburger

Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?

No, you should eat your fingers separately!

Christmas jokes-Jolly

Q. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?

A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Really funny jokes-Horrible story

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

Christmas jokes-Useful phrases

Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presented you would rather not have received:

1. Thanks a lot!
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Well, well, well ...
4. If I hadn't put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.
5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always losing things around here.
6. It's great; but I'm worried about the jealousy it may create.
7. Just my luck to get this, on the Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection programme.
9. Frankly, I don't deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn't have.

Funny jokes-God invented Economists

Why did God invent economists?

So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

Christmas jokes-Prayers

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.

"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"

Short funny jokes-Ducked

Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

Christmas jokes-Down the chimney

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?

Because it soots him !

Really funny jokes-Who supported Atlas?

If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas ?

His wife !

Christmas jokes-Luck of the Draw

A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help. 'Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?'

The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. 'My business has gone bust and if I don't get some money soon I'll lose my car and my Christmas will be will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, but he's unlucky. So he prays to God again. 'Please God, I've lost my car and now they're trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.'

Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. 'Undeterred, be prays to God again. 'I am now a bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.'

Suddenly there's a flash of brilliant life as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. 'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.'

Superhero jokes-Bruce Wayne's position

Q: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?

A: He was the bat-boy.

Christmas jokes-Afraid of Santa Claus

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic!

Really funny jokes-Golf club walks into a Bar

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him.

"Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

Christmas jokes-Clean Living

It was Christmas and everyone seemed to he having a great time, but Father O'Rourke was not. He suddenly said to Father Kelly 'You know what. I'm fed up with all this good behaviour and clean living. Why don't go out and have good old sinful night out. We could drink, go with loose women and do whatever takes our fancy.'

Are you mad?' replied Father Kelly 'This is a small town. Everyone knows who we are.'

'I don't mean we should do it here.' said his colleague. 'We could dress like everyone else and take the train to the city'

After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. 'Oh my God. We're going to have to confess our misdemeanor.'

'Don't worry.' replied Father O'Rourke 'I've already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I'll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I'll do the same for you.'

So, a short while later Father O'Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas last night and got drunk, had relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.' Father Kelly replied 'God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.'

A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. 'This is an outrage.' exclaimed Father O'Rourke. 'What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God's forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I'll consider absolution.'

'What?' said the astonished Father Kelly 'What about our agreement?'

Father O'Rourke replied 'What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.'

Funny jokes-Caped crusaders

Q: How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: None. They like the dark.

Christmas jokes-Letter sent up the chimney

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Black mail !

Really funny jokes-Missing accountant

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?"

The businessman replies, "Both!"

Good jokes-Brewery presidents

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies,

"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Clean jokes-Christmas cake

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?

Your teeth !

Really funny jokes-Facebook Addiction

If you are on Facebook, I am sure you will find this hilarious.

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,"I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

"Don't worry. It'll be all right."

"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."

"How long has it been?"

"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."

"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."

"How soon were you hooked?"

"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."

"What do you like most about Facebook?"

"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."

"Who's he?"

"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."

"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."

"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."

"Let me guess. Farmville?"

"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."

"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"

"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "

"What pic are you using?"

"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."

"To make yourself look prettier?"

"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."

"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"

"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."

"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"

"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"

"What did you do?"

"What else? I unfriended him of course!"

Birthday party jokes-Crunchy

"This birthday cake certainly is crunchy."

"Maybe you should spit out the plate?

Blonde jokes-Dollar on the sidewalk

Superman, Santa Clause, and a blonde are walking along and see a dollar lying on the sidewalk.

Who picks it up first?

The blonde, because the other two don't exist!

Aviation jokes-Check for workers

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.

Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked, they're all working.

Funny jokes-Different destinations

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

One line jokes-Double

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

Really funny jokes-Rolling Stones

How do the Rolling Stones like their burgers?

Plain - Rolling Stones gather no moss-tard!

Superman jokes

Superman's been wearing that one outfit for over half a century.

He's strong--and a little gamy, I think! Now I know why Superman left Krypton.
Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

Lois Lane is Crazy about Superman.
On Valentine's Day, she sends a card to the phone company!

Because of his X-ray vision, Superman is unable to pass an eye test.
When he looks at an eye-chart, he sees through it to a billboard in the next county!

As mild-mannered Clark Kent, Superman is afraid of girls.
He's worried that he'll run into the one he stole the red and blue suit from!


Superman can fly across the country in ten minutes.
A little longer, if he's on stand-by!

Superman used to fly across the country much faster.
Now he has to go by way of Atlanta!

I think Superman would be cooler if he was the Man of Reinforced Plexiglass.
Bullets would still bounce off, but we'd get the added bonus of seeing real superhero internal organs.

Funny jokes-Free to move

In a Southwest Airlines, the Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Celebrity jokes-Hit with a guitar

Q: What do call it when Eric Clapton hits your car with his guitar?

A: A FENDER BENDER!

Hilarious jokes-Picture of wife

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.

The man responded "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

Really funny jokes-Stupid superheroes

Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.

Why is Spider-man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.

Short funny jokes-Greatest accomplishment

What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans ?

Speaking Latin !

One line jokes-Cancelled cricket match

Have you heard about the Irish cricket match that was cancelled because both sides showed up wearing the same colours?

Teacher jokes-The offer

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

Really funny jokes-Lost Compass

Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?

Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.

Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel..

Clean jokes-Bat boy

Q: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?

A: He was the bat-boy.

Blonde jokes-Four corners

There is a big room with four corners. In the first corner, you find Superman. In the second corner you find Batman. In the third corner you find Spiderman. And in the fourth corner you find a gorgeous, extremely intelligent, 100% natural blonde woman with a ultra-thin magazine-model figure. In the center of the room there is a pot of gold. Who gets to the pot of gold first?

A: None, because none of these characters exist.

Obama jokes-Cabinet

Q: What is the difference between Obama and Jesus?

A: Jesus can put a cabinet together.

Really funny jokes-Enormity

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.

Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.

The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.

The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.

Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.

When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.

The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

One line jokes-Moron

Did you hear about the moron who ate some pennies and then asked if people saw any change in him?

Funny jokes-Girlfriend in car

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Really funny jokes-Auditors

"The auditors have just left, sir."

"Did they check the books?"

"Very thoroughly."

"What did they say?"

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

Hilarious jokes-History test

How did you do in your tests ?

I did what George Washington did !

What was that ?

Went down in history !

Funny jokes-Superhero

Thinking of becoming a superhero? Here are some useful pointers.

1. Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point, e.g. Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is self-control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man - even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium 90.

Clean jokes-Mummy's tomb

What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's tomb indicate ?

The registration of the car that ran him over !

Really funny jokes-Seeing Eye dog

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. Mr. Smith could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs".

Now, picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Kids jokes-Baby sister

Do you like your new baby sister?
She's all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.