Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Really funny jokes, adult jokes, good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, very funny jokes, kids jokes, funny pictures
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Dog in Movie Theater
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the
movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"
movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied. "I find it very unusual. Especially considering that he hated the book!"
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Superhero jokes-Doc Ock
Q. "What did Doc Ock drive to the bank?"
A. "An armoured car!"
Q. "What did Doc Ock do at the bank?"
A. "Commit armed robbery!"
A. "An armoured car!"
Q. "What did Doc Ock do at the bank?"
A. "Commit armed robbery!"
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Celebrity jokes-Best Supporting Actor
Nick Nolte was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. It's his first major nomination since 2002, when he was nominated for Most Maniacal Mug Shot.
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Sunday, January 29, 2012
Really funny jokes-Struggling actor
After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks “What happened?”
“Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief,“My agent came to my house?”
“Well,” one of the officer’s says, “It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.”
The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief,“My agent came to my house?”
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Saturday, January 28, 2012
Funny jokes-Money saved by not smoking
Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
Juan says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”
“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That’s over six thousand packs. If you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”
Juan says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”
“Four.”
“How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“That’s over six thousand packs. If you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”
“Never.”
“Do you own this building?”
“No.”
“Well, I do.”
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Friday, January 27, 2012
Really funny jokes-Best guide in the United States
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.
”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”
”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”
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Funny jokes-Row boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”
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Thursday, January 26, 2012
Funny jokes-One eyed pirate
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."
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Celebrity jokes - 50 cent in Canada
Q: What is 50 cent called when he's in Canada?
A: 58 cent
A: 58 cent
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Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Really funny jokes-Bowling teams
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death.
He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."
One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."
He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."
One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."
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Good jokes-Lions
Two blokes are drinking in a bar.
One says, " Did you know that Lions mate10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
One says, " Did you know that Lions mate10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER !" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
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Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Grounds for Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please. . ." he tried again,"is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me !!"
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Short funny jokes-Forgery
My Grandad was a fake blacksmith you know.
He worked in a forgery!
He worked in a forgery!
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Hilarious jokes-Fail
King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'
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Monday, January 23, 2012
Really funny jokes-Squeeze a lemon
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
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Superhero jokes-Public transportation
Q: What superhero uses public transportation?
A: Bus Lightyear!
A: Bus Lightyear!
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Hilarious political jokes-Best decision
Senator John McCain told Sean Hannity that choosing Sarah Palin was still the best decision he ever made. Well, today the Arizona DMV took away his driver's license.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Really funny jokes-Carnival truck
A carnival truck and a revival preacher's truck collide head-on, and everyone is killed. The next thing anyone knows, Saint Peter is interrogating the revival preacher very thoroughly. Suddenly, the carnival crew arrives at the Pearly Gates reeking of beer and reefer, and Saint Peter continues waves them all through as he continues questioning the preacher. The Reverend splutters indignantly and asks, "How can you let those filthy, unrighteous hooligans into heaven while you give me the third degree?"
"Take it easy," Saint Peter says. "They're only going to be here a week."
"Take it easy," Saint Peter says. "They're only going to be here a week."
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Saturday, January 21, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Roustabout
Two aerialists are up checking their rigging looking down on a roustabout who is setting up the lion tamer's cage. They are wondering how much brain you need to do that kind of work. So one performer gets a c-wrench and drops it on the worker's head. He loses half his brain, but keeps on doing the job. So the other aerialist gets a c-wrench and drops it down on the roustabout, until there is only a quarter of his brain left, but he goes on assembling the cage. The first flier drops an iron bar on the poor guy's head and he only has one brain cell left.
Immediately, the roustabout drops all his tools, walks over to the microphone and goes "Ladeeeees and Gentlemen and Children of Aaaaall Ages…!"
Immediately, the roustabout drops all his tools, walks over to the microphone and goes "Ladeeeees and Gentlemen and Children of Aaaaall Ages…!"
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Short funny jokes-Around the world
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world?
He drowned.
He drowned.
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Friday, January 20, 2012
Funny jokes-Blanket
A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!"
He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?
She says, "Oh, I'd like that."
He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."
He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're Mrs. Forsythe for a little while?
She says, "Oh, I'd like that."
He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."
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Hilarious jokes-Prince Harry
If Prince Harry gets married next month will Chels(y)a be playing Cambridge at family functions?
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Really funny jokes-No menus
A guy goes into a restaurant and asks for a menu, but the waiter tells him, "We don't have menus here. Our chef can make any dish you desire … in fact, if he can't, we'll give you one thousand dollars."
The man sees a chance to make some money so he thinks of something impossible. "Bring me an order of hummingbird tongues on rye toast," he tells the waiter, who returns fairly quickly with a plate. "One order of hummingbird tongues on rye toast. Will there be anything else?"
The man thinks for a second, then says, "I'd like a bowl of lo mein made with rutabaga-flavored noodles that were imported from Bolivia by Paul Newman, accompanied by a croissant with exactly 429 caraway seeds and served on aquamarine-colored bone china from the Yuan Dynasty." The waiter returns in a few minutes with a bowl. "One number eight. Will there be anything else?"
The man thinks another second, then says, "Yes … bring me an elephant ear sandwich." The waiter says disappears into the kitchen and returns with a thousand dollars in cash. "You did it, sir. You beat us." With a broad smile, the man pockets the money. "Didn't have any elephant ears back there, huh?" "Oh no," the waiter says. "We have plenty of elephant ears. We just ran out of the big rolls."
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Kids jokes-Flipping a coin
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again.
The teacher says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "Checking my answers."
The teacher says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "Checking my answers."
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Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Funny jokes-Father's ashes
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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Animal jokes-Four legs and one arm
What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pit bull.
A happy pit bull.
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Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Really funny jokes-Lion tamers
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
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Clean jokes-Cheeseburgers
What do some people have against cheeseburgers?
They say, 'Burgers can't be cheesy!'
They say, 'Burgers can't be cheesy!'
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Monday, January 16, 2012
Short funny jokes-Crash diet
Prince Charles went on a crash diet for the wedding : In just 14 days he lost exactly two weeks.
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Superman jokes-Lost strength
Superman's strength was beyond measurement. It could only be lost, little by little, if he enjoyed the company of a mortal woman.
One day, he ran into Lois Lane and she took him up to her apartment for an evening of entertainment. Each bout removed a tiny amount of Superman's great power.
The next morning, Superman got out of bed, went to the window, lifted the shade, and went up with it!
One day, he ran into Lois Lane and she took him up to her apartment for an evening of entertainment. Each bout removed a tiny amount of Superman's great power.
The next morning, Superman got out of bed, went to the window, lifted the shade, and went up with it!
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Sunday, January 15, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Arm rash
A man goes to a doctor for a rash on his arm. "What do you do for a living?" the doctor asks him.
"I work at the circus, giving enemas to the elephants," the guy says.
"Quit doing that and the rash will clear up," the doctor says.
The guy replies, horrified, "What? And get out of show business?"
"I work at the circus, giving enemas to the elephants," the guy says.
"Quit doing that and the rash will clear up," the doctor says.
The guy replies, horrified, "What? And get out of show business?"
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Saturday, January 14, 2012
Really funny jokes-Twenty dollars for Math test
Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.
"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"
Dad nodded.
"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"
Dad nodded.
"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
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Short funny jokes-Without robbing
What's the difference between Batman and a robber?
A: Batman can go into a store without robin!!
A: Batman can go into a store without robin!!
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Obama jokes-Endorsement
"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement."
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Friday, January 13, 2012
Clean jokes-Worry job
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
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Celebrity jokes-Prince William's chopper
So, Prince William dropped his chopper into Kate Middleton's backyard the other day. I'm sure there's a double entendre there somewhere but I just can't see it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Really funny jokes-Royals fan
A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs allowed in the bar."
"Oh please?," begs the customer. You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals."
"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!"
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"
"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I 've only had him for five years."
"Oh please?," begs the customer. You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals."
"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!"
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"
"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I 've only had him for five years."
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One line jokes-Journey of a hundred miles
A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
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Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Queen Elizabeth
A dead body was discovered last week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth.
When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, "It wasn't me was it?"
When she was told about it she was alarmed and asked, "It wasn't me was it?"
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Funny jokes-Useful tips for becoming a Superhero
Thinking of becoming a superhero? Here are some useful pointers.
1. Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point, e.g. Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is self-control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
1. Don't call yourself by your real name, e.g. Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name, e.g. Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess, e.g. Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest, e.g. Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point, e.g. Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image, e.g. Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil.
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is self-control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenial hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable-to-Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
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Knock knock jokes-Interrupting
Knock knock
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep.
An interrupting shee..
BAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c...
MOOOOOOO!!!
Who's there?
An interrupting sheep.
An interrupting shee..
BAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c...
MOOOOOOO!!!
Labels:
animal jokes,
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Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Really funny jokes-Vampires in a bar
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
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Blonde jokes-See a dollar
Superman, Santa Clause, and a blonde are walking along and see a dollar lying on the sidewalk.
Who picks it up first?
The blonde, because the other two don't exist!
Who picks it up first?
The blonde, because the other two don't exist!
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Monday, January 9, 2012
Celebrity jokes-Three hours fast!
Prince William’s watch is three hours fast and they can't fix it. So he’s going to move to New York.
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Good jokes-Complimented
We got to a point in our relationship where she asked me for a reason for her to stay with me...
I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...
She said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were crass. So was her handbag...we broke up.
I told her I was like her handbag and that I complimented her shoes...
She said I never complimented her shoes...she was right, I never complimented her shoes. Her shoes were crass. So was her handbag...we broke up.
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Sunday, January 8, 2012
Political jokes-Operation Regret
"The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it's part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'"
- Jimmy Fallon
- Jimmy Fallon
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Funny jokes-Searching for an Accountant
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
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Saturday, January 7, 2012
Really funny jokes-Bragging about girlfriend
A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."
To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."
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History jokes-Stand up in boat
When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !
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Friday, January 6, 2012
Hilarious jokes-Updates on Facebook
The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in an angry voice and scolded her.
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
The Maid explained, “Ma’am I had already announced on my facebook page that I was taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated on Facebook. If you still had a question then you should have asked."
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
Maid: "Ma’am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife’s cooking."
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Clean jokes-Smart phone
Facebook is supposedly developing a new smart phone. If it's really smart it won't be letting it's users spend so much time on Facebook.
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Superhero jokes-Bigamy
What did Superman say when he married two Women on the same day?
"That's mighty bigamy!"
What did Lex Luthor say when he did the same thing, then killed the women?
"That's awful bigamy!"
"That's mighty bigamy!"
What did Lex Luthor say when he did the same thing, then killed the women?
"That's awful bigamy!"
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Thursday, January 5, 2012
Short funny jokes-Timeline
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently went hunting, killed a bison, nicknamed it "Billy," then mounted its head on a wall. Yeah, then Zuckerberg was like, "Anyone else want to complain about the new Facebook Timeline?"
-Jimmy Fallon
-Jimmy Fallon
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Funny jokes-Work out regimen
Now since I’ve started my work out regimen, I’ve lost 190 pounds.
I got divorced.
I got divorced.
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Really funny jokes-Heart transplant
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."
Labels:
doctor jokes,
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Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Good jokes-Attitude toward whisky
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
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Short funny jokes-Harry Potter stories
I'm having trouble getting into the Harry Potter stories; I can believe in flying broomsticks and magic spells but a ginger kid with two friends?
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Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Year's Resolutions for Him and Her
New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER
Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)
Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote
Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list
Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance
Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER
Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
Labels:
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Hilarious jokes-The seventh child
Dying Husband asks his wife:" Our 7th child always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?
wife(crying) : yes..............
husband : who?
Wife: You.........................
wife(crying) : yes..............
husband : who?
Wife: You.........................
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Knock knock jokes-Too many queations
Knock knock
Who's there?
Howe-wenwat-wai
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.
Who's there?
Howe-wenwat-wai
How, when, what, why, who?
You ask too many questions! Forget it.
Labels:
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Monday, January 2, 2012
Really funny jokes-Taking pictures
The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.
"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.
The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.
"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.
"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.
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Celebrity jokes-Down under
After their wedding, Prince William and Kate have announced that they'll be going "down under" to celebrate. They also plan to take a honeymoon; I think they said in Australia.
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Funny jokes-Never drink water
An army major went to a doctor because of his failing health. After thorough check up the doctor announced: “Hydropsy.”
“And what is Hydropsy?” The major asked.
Doctor: “There is more water in your body than is good for you.”
The major was a ‘whiskey-on-rocks’ guy. He exclaimed: “Water and me? My dear doctor, I will have you know that I never drink water.” And as an afterthought added: “It must have been all that ice.”
“And what is Hydropsy?” The major asked.
Doctor: “There is more water in your body than is good for you.”
The major was a ‘whiskey-on-rocks’ guy. He exclaimed: “Water and me? My dear doctor, I will have you know that I never drink water.” And as an afterthought added: “It must have been all that ice.”
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Sunday, January 1, 2012
Really funny jokes-Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"Happy New Year
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"Happy New Year
Labels:
Good jokes,
Hilarious jokes,
Really Funny Jokes
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