Saturday, March 31, 2012

Really funny jokes-Morty the producer

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people making love and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.

"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.

When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."

"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"

Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"

"Yes," says Morty.

"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."

Very funny jokes-Bird dog

Have you heard about two Swedish pals who claimed they were hunters? Once they decided to go to Norway and buy a bird dog. When they found the shop, they decide to test the dog. They did and the result was disastrous. They felt their journey to Norway was in vain.

One friend: “This is deceit. We might as well return the animal. Let us drop this idea of buying a bird dog.”

Second friend: “Yeah pal, you are right. We will make one more attempt and throw the dog in air one last time. If he doesn’t fly this time too, we will leave him alone and return.”

Friday, March 30, 2012

Funny jokes-Very cold

An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”

Her friend: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”

The old woman: “I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”

Office jokes-Opposed

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Really funny jokes-Brain transplantation

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantation asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Funny jokes-Hearing problem in kitchen

Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed color when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed color from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?"

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence - no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

SMS jokes-Talent test

A Question asked in a Talent Test:
If You Are Married To 1 Of The Twin Sisters, How wud You Recognize Your WIFE?

The Best Answer
- Why d Hell Should I recognize?

Very funny jokes-Cost of Marriage

Marriage is an institution which teaches you to adjust, keep quiet, have patience, control your temper, remain faithful, to forgive and many more virtues. But its fees are very high. It costs you your freedom.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Good jokes-Satisfying the wife

If you work late hours in office, the wife will say you don’t have time for her.
If you come home early or even in time, the wife will say you don’t have any work in office.

If you have headache at bed time, you don’t love your wife anymore.
If your wife suffers the same problem, she is over worked and tired.

If you are regular at gym, she will say ‘look at your age’ - why bother anymore?
If you don’t go to gym, she will say ‘look at your paunch’ why don’t you take care of yourself?

If you present her with a rose, she will say ‘why this buttering’?
If you don’t, she will say ‘you are not romantic anymore.”

If you suggest a restaurant, she will prefer a movie and vice versa.
If you suggest a movie, she will want to go to a restaurant.

WISDOM: It is not possible to satisfy your wife, leave her alone.

Hilarious jokes-Wife'a accounting

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"

"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

Monday, March 26, 2012

Funny jokes-You might be a cop if

You Might Be a Cop if...

people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.

your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.

when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.

you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."

you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.

you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.

you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

Nurse jokes-Hazardous

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.
"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

Funny jokes-Boat for sale

Sven couldn’t pronounce ‘th’. One day he displayed an old car and a bicycle in his compound, stood near the gate and started to shout: “Boat for sale…….. Listen everyone…….. Boat for sale……”

Sven’s neighbor asked: “Hey Sven, where the hell is your boat? I can see only your car and your bicycle.”

Sven: “Yes, they boat are for sale.”

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Really funny jokes-Fungal taxonomist

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.

The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been through Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Good jokes-Questionable morals

You may have heard the following story with Bernard Shaw but you might not have noticed its relevance to insurance.

In a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:

'Madam, I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'

After some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist the offer.

Then Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollar'?

The lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'

'Lady,' Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only thing to clarify now is the price.'

Bagpiper joke-Gentleman

What's the definition of a gentleman?

Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Funny jokes-Things you don't want to see at the ATM

Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATM

- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.

- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

Short funny jokes-Famous French skeleton

Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A: Napoleon bone-apart.

Funny jokes-The new iPad

The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Really funny jokes-Carlson's acquittal

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Celebrity jokes-50 cent

Q: What did Tony yayo say when 50 Cent got a new sweater?
A: G-U-NIT.

Q: Why couldn't G-Unit get on the bus?
A: Because they didn't have 50.

Short funny jokes-No class

What do you do if a bird craps on your car?

Dump her immediately she must have no class!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Funny jokes-Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

SMS jokes-In love

When do you know u r in love?

Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan

Short funny jokes-Favorite bird

Q: What is a ghost's favorite bird?

A: Scare crow!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Really funny jokes-Eye ear doctor

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.

"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."

No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"

"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

Celebrity jokes-How long?

Q: How long does Lionel Richie sit on the toilet?

A: All Night Long.

Short funny jokes-Ruins

Why was the archaeologist upset?

His job was in ruins!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Funny jokes-Flipping coin

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"

The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

One line jokes-Phone number

I asked a statistician for her phone number... and she gave me an estimate.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Really funny jokes-Outrun

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"

"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.

"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Marriage counselor

A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."

Clean jokes-Philosopher and Engineer

What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?

About 50,000 a year.

Funny jokes-Just wind!

My colleague Mary went to the doctor complaining of severe pain in the stomach.

The doctor told her it was 'just wind'.

"Just wind?" reacted Mary, "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"

Friday, March 16, 2012

Really funny jokes-Twisted journalism

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."

Short funny jokes-Ghost with broken leg

Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

A: Hoblin Goblin.

Funny jokes-Late at Hollywood wedding

I was invited to a Hollywood wedding. Since traffic was heavy, so I got there late - just in time for the divorce.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Funny tourist jokes-Sign the Magna Carta

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

Hilarious jokes-Penalties for perjury

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

SMS jokes-One year Contract in Bangkok

So your wife didn't believe that "one year contract in Bangkok with no leave" story, John?

You should have seen John's face.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Really funny jokes-Feed the pigs

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

Kids jokes-Missed school

Teacher: Tim, you missed school yesterday, didn't you?

Tim: Not a bit!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Really funny jokes-Who is the best?

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Accountant jokes-Charisma

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Obama jokes-Comparison to Gandhi

In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Funny jokes-Walking on water

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not from the shore of a lake. The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore, then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.

The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.

The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."

SMS jokes-Etc

Why do we sometimes write 'etc' at the end in the exam?
bcoz it means...

E-End of
T-thinking
C-capacity.

Short funny jokes-The new iPad

Apple unveiled the new iPad last week. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models - which of course means I will trample over my own mother to get one.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Really funny jokes-Off day

A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Insurance jokes-How actuaries do it

How actuaries do it...

Actuaries do it without risk.
Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.

Animal jokes-Mad Cow

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

Friday, March 9, 2012

Really funny jokes-Too fast

A story is told that Richard Wagner was walking on a street in Berlin one day and came across an organ-grinder who was grinding out the overture to Tannhäuser. Wagner stopped and said, "As a matter of fact, you are playing it too fast."

The organ-grinder at once recognized Wagner, tipped his hat, and said, "Oh thank you, Herr Wagner! Thank you, Herr Wagner!"

The next day Wagner returned to the same spot and found the organ-grinder grinding out the overture at the correct tempo. Behind him was a big sign: "PUPIL OF RICHARD WAGNER."

Light bulb jokes-School teachers

How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Office jokes-Committee Rules

Committee Rules

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Good jokes-Man of marketing

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing".

The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Really funny jokes-Outrageous flattering

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

Hilarious jokes-Lawyer and boxing referee

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Really funny jokes-Poker pro

A poker pro sees an old friend of his at the Rio during the World Series of Poker and pulls him aside.

"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"

"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."

The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"

One line jokes-Diplomat

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Red faced judge

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Animal jokes-Giraffes and poker

Why do giraffes hate to play poker?

Because you can't shake a tree without a bunch of cheetahs falling out.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Really funny jokes-Physicist, chemist, and statistician

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Funny jokes-Painting job

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Really funny jokes-Difference between Complete and Finished

Difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED

People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED.

Clean jokes-Math problem

What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?

A senior high school math problem.

Funny jokes-Fake bonds

It was in the News that the Italian police seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. bonds. There is a lesson to learn. If you want to try and sell worthless financial instruments, you would better be Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. That's the only way you're going to get away with it.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Hilarious jokes-True

Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"
Defendant: "Yes, it's true."
Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?"
Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."

One line jokes-Reality

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.