Funny jokes-Lawyer in the house!

A lawyer, who was talking to his son about admission to college, said, "Fred, what made you decide that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

"My point is," answered Fred, "have you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and scream hysterically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "

Economy jokes-Stocks getting cheap

Q: How do you know when stocks are getting really cheap?

A: When Wall Street is called Wal-Mart Street.

An experiment in science

Abdul Qadeer Khan, the famous Pakistani scientist decided to conduct an experiment to determine how rapidly a thermometer falls down.

So he took thermometer and a lit candle to the 7rd floor of a building, dropped them and observed that they both touched the ground at the same time. The famous Pakistani scientist concluded in his book: "A thermometer falls with the speed of light."

Really funny jokes-The ways to grade the final exams

The ways to grade the final exams

Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.

Hilarious jokes-Carrier pilot

A landing signal officer (LSO) shouts at a novice fighetr pilot after his 8th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son. This is where the food is."

Short funny jokes-Electric eggs

Laurel : What kind of bird lays electric eggs?

Hardy: A battery hen!

Really funny jokes-Funeral procession

Joe is declared dead at the hospital after he was involved in a car accident.

His funeral procession was going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearse flies open accidentally and the coffin falls out then speeds down the busy street and crashes into a pharmacy.

The lids pops open and Joe, the deceased says to the dazed pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin'?"

Hilarious jokes-Lawyer speak

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:

"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

Light bulb jokes-Artists

How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

One line jokes-Biology

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.

Really funny jokes-Prohibited!

How the law works in different countries

In you are in the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In you are in Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In you are in Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In you are in France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In you are in Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

Doctor jokes-Some consolation

Fred was admitted to a hospital for a cerebral aneurysm surgery. Just before the operation, a worried Fred asked the doctor, "I heard this operation is highly risky. What are my chances of survival?"

The Surgeon replied: "I'm absolutely positive that you will survive the operation."

Fred, a little relieved, but still in doubt, asked, "How can you be so sure?"

The Surgeon said, "Four out of five patients die in this operation, and last week, my fourth patient died."

Temptation

Ron's terribly overweight and his doctor put him on a diet plan. His wife Carla has to keep an eye on him so he doesn't indulge himself.

On his birthday, he helps himself to a large piece of chocolate cake, and his wife reprimands him for asking for me.

Ron protests, "Don't you see, I can resist everything except temptation."

Really funny jokes-Calm and confident

Sunny and Logan were shipwrecked on a remote island. After 2 days, Sunny realized there's no way out of the island and began sobbing. He cried, "There's no food or water here. We are going to die!"

Logan, who was resting against a palm tree, seemed to be calm and composed. Seeing Logan so relaxed, Sunny yelled at him. "Don't you understand? We are going to die!!"

Logan replied, "You don't understand, I make $250,000 a week."

Sunny stared at him in disbelief and asked, "How does it matter?? We're on this god-forsaken island with no food and no water! We're so going to die!!!"

Logan said, "You're not getting it. I earn $250,000 a week and I give 20% to charity. My pastor will find me!"

Short funny jokes-Fit more pigs

Laurel: How do I fit more pigs in my farm?

Hardy: Build a sty-scraper!

Court room humor

Hilarious courtroom exchange

Lawyer: Did he pick the pug up by the ears?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: What was he doing with the pug's ears?
Witness: Lifting them up in the air.

Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Connected to the ears.

Really funny jokes-Efficiency consultant

An efficiency consultant submitted his report of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony No. 8 in B minor:

# All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be reduced.

# For a considerable period of time, above players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.

# No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.

# The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.

Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.

Light bulb jokes-Veterinarians

How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

Mother-in-law's dentures

Reena, who hailed from a small town in Punjab, moved to New Delhi to live with her daughter and son-in-law. Since she was not keeping well lately, her daughter suggested she move into their home in the city. She brought along most of her treasured possessions which included a small box with five broken teeth from her dentures.

Once settled in the new environment, she asked her son-in-law, Dev where she could get her dentures mended.

Dev offered, "Give them to me and I'll take them to a dentist."

Reena gave her little box containing the teeth to Dev who took them to a dental lab.

He asked the technician how long it would take to mend the dentures, to which the technician replied, "About an hour."

Dev tells him, "I'll do some shopping and collect the dentures on my way back."

When Dev returns to the lab, the technician hands him a plastic bag and his mother-in-law's little box. He says, "I'm sorry I could only fit five of the teeth to the denture."

"Oh!" exclaims Dev,"and what happened to the sixth one?"

"It's here in the box," answers the technician, showing it to Dev. "Fitting the teeth is easy but it's impossible to fit this peanut."

Chemical formula for Ice

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for Water?

Little Johnny: It's H2O

Teacher: Good! Can you tell me the chemical formula for ice?

Little Johnny: It's H2O cubed.

Funny jokes-Good morning!

How to identify students when the professor walks into the class and says good morning.

* If the students say good morning back, they are Freshmen.
* If the students put their newspapers down and open their books, they are Sophomores.
* If they look up so they can see the professor over the tops of the newspapers, they are Juniors.
* If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they are Seniors.
* If they write it down, they are Graduate students.

Short funny jokes-Doctor in court

A Lawyer was addressing a doctor in court.

Lawyer: Dr. Kirby, did you say the victim was stabbed in the jungle?

Doctor Kirby: No, I said he was stabbed in the lumbar region.

Funny jokes-Ship going down!

A deluxe cruise liner was sinking. The captain had to persuade the passengers of every country very tactfully to jump into the sea.

He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."

Teacher jokes-Sleeping student

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"

The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

Short funny jokes-Room service

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait, someone else is using it."

Clean jokes-Long distance

Laurel: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?

Hardy: To take a nap?

Laurel: No, to make a long-distance caw.

Really funny jokes-Political corruption trial

At the peak of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he thundered, "that you accepted ten thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted ten thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Short funny jokes-Side effects

Jill asks the pharmacist: "Why does my prescribed medication have 30 side effects?"

The Pharmacist replies: "well, that's all we've documented so far."

Clean jokes-Within

The Dalai Lama goes to a vendor selling hamburgers and says, "I want one with everything."

The vendor gives him one and says, "Four bucks."

The Dalai Lama hands him a $5 bill, and waits for the vendor to give him the change but the vendor seems to be ignoring him.

The Dalai Lama finally asks, "Where's my change?"

The burger vendor replies, "Change only comes from within."

Funny jokes-Inebriated judge

An inebriated judge returned to court after a long lunch. In the first case, a man is charged with drunk driving who pleaded not guilty. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge said, "In that case, you are sentenced to 45 days."

Really funny jokes-Picasso's sketch

Spanish painter Pablo Picasso encountered a thief at work in his mansion. The intruder got away, and when the police was called, Picasso offered to do a rough sketch of what the thief looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a nun, a parliament minister, a refrigerator, and the Eiffel tower.

Just what you wanted to hear

A well-endowed adolescent girl has severe cold and goes to see a doctor for examination.

The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".

The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"

The factory bell

Joe was an American manufacturer of machine parts. He had a prospective customer from Albania visiting him for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around his factory.

At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.

"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."

"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.

After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"

"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"

Really funny jokes-Economic stimulus package explained

Economic stimulus package explained

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a drop of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Short funny jokes-Drunk chicken

Tom : What do drunk chicken give?

Jerry: Scotch eggs!

Funny jokes-Plenty of room

We were leaving an Italian restaurant after dinner, when we passed another couple on our way out. The woman was animatedly describing an imported SUV to her husband : "It was so huge that you could hit a family of four, and you wouldn't even notice!"

"Yep," the husband replied, "and there would still be enough room to toss them in the back!"

Short funny jokes-Afford

The economy is so bad, if you go to a McDonald's joint now, the counter person is most likely to ask you, "Can you afford fries with that"?

Lawyer jokes-Marital status

Lawyer: What is your name?
Witness: James Brien
Lawyer: And what is your marital status?
Witness: Fair

Lawyer: Are you married?
Witness:: Nope, I'm divorced.
Lawyer: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Really funny jokes-Disturbed Anthropologist

James, an anthropologist decides to study the natives of a distant tropical island. He goes there, finds a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote location where he would make his collections. The river takes them downstream, and in the eve of the of the second day, they hear the distant sound of drums. Being the nervous types, James is disturbed by the sound of the drums and asks the guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide replies, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."

Then, after a few hours, the drums suddenly stop! James is nervous as hell and he shouts at the guide: "Those Drums have stopped, what now?"

The guide bends down, covers his head with his hands and says, "Bass Solo".

Short funny jokes-Check ride

Two pilots are discussing their first check ride. One pilot says to the other - A check ride ought to be like a skirt: Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Funny jokes-The Queen's undergarments

The latest sale on eBay
- a pair of undergarments that once belonged to Queen Elizabeth.

The price
- a little above a hundred thousand dollars.

The winning bidder could not be identified but his user name was "one sick bugger."

Doctor jokes-Change a light bulb

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

One line jokes-Darwin

I said to my son, Neel - if Darwin was correct, you will probably figure it out in a few million years.

Hilarious jokes-When I am old

Tina asks Bill, "Will you love me when I'm old and graying?"

Bill replies, "Just love you? I shall admire you. I shall worship the very ground that you walk on. I shall...", then asks hesitantly, "you're not going to look like your mother, are you?"

Really funny jokes-You might be an E.R. Doctor if

You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if...

* your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
* discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
* you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
* you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
* you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
* you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
* you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
* you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
* you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
* you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
* your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"

Short funny jokes-Music in Church

Q: Why can't skeletons play music in church?

A: They need organs to play !

Eskimo relative

Q: Agent 007 has an Eskimo relative. Can you guess his name?

A: It's Polar Bond

Really funny jokes-Reliability of birth control pills

A blonde couple - Brenda and her husband, Joe go to their pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a certain manufacturer that makes birth control pills. After answering their queries, the pharmacist asks them what is wrong. Brenda explains, "I have been using birth control pills and despite that, I continue to get pregnant."

The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.

Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."

"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.

"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "

Duplicating life

Ronald, a scientist by profession, was anti-God. He had a chance to meet God and said, "Well, you are not needed any more, we have come up with a way to create humans without you."

God smiled and said, "All right, let me see you do it."

Ronald bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful of mud .

God stopped him and said, "Wait a minute. Get your own dirt!"

Hilarious Lawyer jokes

Lance, the lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?

Vinnie, the witness: Not yet.

----

Lance, the lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

Vinnie, the witness: The victim lived.

----

Lance, the lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Vinnie, the witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

----
Lance, the lawyer: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

Vinnie, the witness: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Funny jokes-Two pharmacists

Mark and Martha, two young pharmacists are having a professional discussion at their office.

Mark : What do you want this time, with coat or without coat?

Martha: Let it be with coating, because I don't want to release granules earlier.

Mark: So, Shall I begin molding?

Martha: No, first close the door and window and switch off, because this work is light sensitive.

Clean jokes-Bald eagle

Jack: How will you recognize a bald eagle?

Jill: All his feathers will be combed over to one side.

Short funny jokes-Higher powers

Santa : Do you know, Atheists do not solve exponential equations.

Banta: Really? Why is that?

Santa: That's because they don't have faith in higher powers.

Really funny jokes- Classified classics

A compilation of hilarious classified classics!!!

** A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

** No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

** Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

** We don't tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

** Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

** Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

** Dinner Special - Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.

** Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

One line jokes-Amnesia

I liked the sound of the word "Amnesia", and then I could not remember it.

Hilarious jokes-Mexican bandit

Agusto, a Mexican bandit robbed a bank. As he was trying to escape with the booty, the sheriff and his deputy chased him and tracked him down in the woods.

Agusto was handcuffed, and the sheriff, who didn't know Spanish, asked him where he had hidden the loot.

"No se nada," he replied.

The sheriff put a gun to Agusto's head, turned to his deputy who could speak Spanish as well as English, and said, "Tell him that if he doesn't disclose where the money is right now, I'll blow his head to smithereens."

On receiving the translation in Spanish, Agusto got excited and started talking. "Ya me acuerdo! Tienen que caminar tres cuadradas hasta ese gran arbol. Debajo del arbol, alli esta el dinero."

The sheriff asked the deputy, "What's he saying?"

The deputy replied, "He says he wants to die like a man."