Friday, November 30, 2012

Adult jokes-Raising the mast

At the yacth club, a guy leered at a girl. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."

Short funny jokes-Extra effort

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Really funny jokes-The sensational prediction

A very learned and able astrologer was not having any success in his profession. He decided to make a really sensational and dynamic prediction to draw people’s attention and set about the task of various astrological calculations when he made a remarkable discovery. He once again confirmed his findings and made an announcement: “In ten months from now the entire universe will go dark.”

Exactly ten months later the astrologer lost his eyesight.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Good jokes-Make a guess

George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an ugly woman takes a seat next to him. She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.

The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you.

George says: "It must be a crocodile?"

The woman says: "Close enough"

Celebrity jokes-Internet address

Q. What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?

A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Really funny jokes-Lost in snow

Gina got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

Monday, November 26, 2012

Hilarious jokes-First time at the restaurant

I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mum drinks a lot more than that."

Clean jokes-Good support

Mohan had a bag containing purchases when he boarded a crowded bus. As the bus moved, Mohan supported himself carrying the bag in one hand and holding a handle bar in with another. When the conductor asked him money for the ticket, Mohan pleaded with him to hold the bag so that he can take out his wallet. The Conductor flatly refused arguing he was not supposed to carry passenger’s baggage.

Mohan said:”That’s OK, I understand. But you can surely hold the handle for me?”

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Really funny jokes-Two sisters

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Short funny jokes-New law

A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Hilarious jokes-Broken engagement

Mike: “Mary has broken our engagement saying I am not rich enough.”

Harry: “But you should have told her about your maternal uncle. He is stinking rich and you are his only successor.”

Mike: “I did that. That is when she broke off with me and got engaged to my uncle.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Really funny jokes-Bad at Maths

There was A teacher who was shouting at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.

One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving humor

How to cook a Turkey

Bring home a turkey
Take a drink of scotch
Put turkey in the oven
Take another 2 drinks of scotch
Set the degree at 375 ovens
Take 3 more scotch of drink
Turk the bastey
Scotch another bottle of get
Ponder the meat thermometer
Glass yourself a pour of scotch
Bake the scotch for 4 hours
Take the oven out of the turkey
Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Turk the carvey
Get yourself another scottle of botch
Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Bless the dinner and pass out!

Office jokes-Trick of the trade

Bob wanted to uplift his status in life but his boss was not giving him a raise for quite some time.

Exasperated, one day Bob went to his boss and said: “Now you have to give me a raise, otherwise there are three companies after me.

Boss (sarcastically): “Oh yes? Which are these companies if I am not being too pertinent?”

Bob: “Telephone company, Mortgage company and Electricity company.”

Bob got his desired raise.

Short funny jokes-Fat and drunk

Apparently, teenagers are soaking Gummy bears in vodka and then eating them to get drunk. It does make me somewhat proud to be an American, because we finally found a way to get fat and drunk at the same time.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Really funny jokes-It's a Mad world

A man was driving in front of a mental hospital when he had a flat tire. While changing the rear punctured wheel, he lost all six nut bolts in the nearby drain by accident. The man was now stuck and didn’t know what to do. Just then a guy came out of the mental hospital and asked if he could help. The car owner noticed an identity card of the hospital around his neck with patient number printed on it. He still asked the patient if there was any garage around.

The patient said: “No, it is at least five miles from here. But I suggest you take out one bolt each from the rest of the three wheels, fit them on your rear wheel and drive slowly and carefully to the garage. You will find all you need there.”

The car owner was dumb-struck. He himself should have thought of this simple solution. He thanked the man and asked politely if he was really mad.

The patient replied: “Yes, of course I am mad, but I am no fool.”

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Funny jokes-Surprised in Hell

My 10-year old son asked me, "There are so many people in the world. When they die, is Heaven is going to fill up?"

I replied, "No, that's most unlikely. The number of people who will actually go there is much smaller than those who think they'll go there. Hell is full of people who are incredibly surprised."

Clean jokes-Identity thief

Identity thief:

"I can't sit around here taking it easy.
I've got places to go and people to be!"

Monday, November 19, 2012

Really funny jokes-illegal to count

A Swedish tourist in New York was standing in front of the Empire State building, and started counting all the floors.

A policeman approached him and thought to himself: "This guy must be Swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it is illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?"

The Swede replied: "No sir, I had no idea."

The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted."

The Swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors, sir."

After the police officer left, the Swede thought to himself: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had actually counted 51!"

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Short funny jokes-Is it yours?

"Dad, I'm pregnant," declared the daughter.

"Hold on a second. Are you certain it's yours?" the Polish father responded.

Knock knock jokes-The interrupting cow

"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrupting cow wh-"
"MOOOO!"
"Very f-"
"MOOOO!"
"I get i-"
"MOOOO!"
"OK, that's get-"
"MOOOO!"
"Seriously, that's get-"
"MOOOO!"
"SHUT U-"
"MOOOO!"
"Go to-"
"MOOOO!"
"You're being a-"
"MOOOO!"

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Really funny jokes-Switching the birthday gift

Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday. After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.

"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"Why is that?" asked the friend.

Mike answered, "that's because with a clarinet, she cannot sing."

Friday, November 16, 2012

Teacher jokes-Expand

One day, Little Tommy asked his Class teacher, "Teacher, why are the days longer in the summer?"

The teacher answered, "It's because of the heat. It makes everything expand."

Good jokes-Labor issues

One Afghan and one Indian labor minister, were in a meeting discussing labor issues.

The Afghan labor minister said; ”I am in eternally stressed. There are labor issues in my country that create hundreds of problems for me every day.”

The Indian;”That’s no problem at all. There are labor issues in my country that produce 60000 babies every day.”

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Really funny jokes-The patch up job

Newly married Tina had committed a blunder in her husband’s absence. As soon as the man returned from work, she blurted; “Here I was ironing your finest suit and burnt this hole in the seat of your trousers.”

The husband, large hearted that he was, said; “I have another pair of trousers that matches that suit, so do not worry.”

Tina: ” Thank God for that, because I was able to patch up the hole using those trousers only.”

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Secret to a Happy Marriage

There is a secret to a Happy Marriage. You need to follow the below checklist:

Firstly, you need to find a woman who cooks and cleans

Secondly, you need to find a woman who earns well

Thirdly, you need to find a woman who enjoys great love making.

Finally, it is important that these three women should never meet.

One line jokes-Help others

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Really funny jokes-The winning machine

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.

Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
"Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"

"What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"

Monday, November 12, 2012

Short funny jokes-Half job

A student went to a bookstore to buy a Maths book.

The shopkeeper told him, "This book will do half the job for you,"

The student replied "Great, I will buy two of those"

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Really funny jokes-Celebrating in Hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Support

Having awarded a divorce to Dorothy who had charged non-support, the Judge said to John, "I have decided to give your wife $500 a month for support."

"That's fine", said John, "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

Short funny jokes-Lost seat

An Irishman was traveling on the night-train, but was unable to find his seat.

The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where it was.

"No," the Swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river outside of it."

Friday, November 9, 2012

Really funny jokes-Out of place

A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.

He asked the old man, How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

Old Man - That's the name of the owner.

Young Man - Who's the owner?

Old Man - I am.

Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Old Man - Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen". Lady ask me, What is your name? I say Sam Ting.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Good jokes-Habit

A nun is walking down the street , when a priest stops her to ask, "Can I walk you to the Convent?"
The Nun replies, "Ok, Just this time."

On reaching the Convent, he asks her, "Can I kiss you?"

She says, "Ok, fine with me, but do not get into the habit."

Hilarious jokes-Indecisive

Statement by a candidate in Washington State during the 2000 campaign:

"...and if elected, I will not be, as my opponent has been in office, undecisive, uh, indecisive."h

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Really funny jokes-Desperately seeking Roses

I wanted to buy some flowers for my wife, so I went to the florist shop. As the shopkeeper was preparing a bouquet of Red roses for me, a guy barged in and asked for a dozen red roses.

The shopkeeper, pointing at me, replied to him that the last bunch of roses was already sold. Looking at me, this guy pleaded desperately, "Can you PLEASE give me those roses?"

I asked the man, "What's wrong? Did you forget your Wedding Anniversary?"

"Even worse", he admitted", "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Funny jokes-To the extent

She was Blonde to the extent that:

...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66

Obama jokes-Nintendo for the Pope

“So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they’re saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.”
–Jay Leno

Monday, November 5, 2012

Really funny jokes-Things to do when computer crashes

Today, everyone is a victim of what we call the Internet lifestyle. Given below is a list of things for you to do when your computer crashes.

1. You can dial 911 instantly.

2. Pull open the curtains to observe i there have been any changes in the last 2 years.

3. Do you mean there is actually something else to do?

4. You can threaten your server with an impeachment vote.

5. You can Work for a change.

6. Introduce yourself again to your immediate family.

7. Consider that kidney transplant you've been putting off for so long.

8. Check out if yuor eyes can focus on objects further than 4 feet.

9. Get your chair fixed at a store near you for butt groove.

10. Look for Tylenol!

11. You can do some shopping with your clothes on.

12. You can check your snail mail box every 10 minutes.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Good jokes-Jury and justice

How do you define Jury?
It is a team of twelve individuals trying to figure out which party has the best lawyer.

How do you define Justice?
It can be defined as a decision which favors you.

One line jokes-Going to Court

Going to Court means that your fate is in the hands of twelve people who were not good enough to get out of jury duty!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Really funny jokes-Apples on trees

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Short funny jokes-Party game

What is a party game played by Swedes?

One Swede goes into a box and the other Swede tries to guess which Swede is in it.

Clean jokes-Biology Revisited

Biology Revisited

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Thesaurus is an ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Really funny jokes-French humor

Funny French Humor

1. The firm Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products in French Canada as "Gros Jos" before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big bosoms". Apparently the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales of their product.

2. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.

3. Seen in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

4. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

5. In a Chambres d'Htes in Brittany, France: "The genuine antics in your room come from our family castle. Long life to it." and "Please avoid coca watering, cream cleaning, wet towels wrapping, and ironing drying."