Thursday, February 28, 2013

Funny jokes-Glutton

Q. What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?

A: One longs to eat and the other eats too long.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Really good stuff-Silly warnings

Silly Warnings

1) 'Do not iron while wearing shirt'

2) Warning label on a letter opener that says: 'Caution: Safety goggles recommended.'

3) Fuel Tank Cap: 'Never use a lit match or open flame to check the fuel level'

4) A cartridge for a laser printer warns, 'Do not eat toner'

5) A label on a hair dryer reads: 'Never use hair dryer while sleeping'

6) A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: 'This product not intended for use as a dental drill.'

7) On a child's buggy: 'Remove Child Before Folding'

8) A label on a baby-stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: 'Do not put child in bag.'

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Intelligent

What's blonde with big eyes and intelligent?

A golden retriever.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Office jokes-Things that sound dirty at Work but really aren't

It is best to watch what you say in the workplace. However, if you find yourself saying any of these phrases, not to worry. They may sound risque, but in fact they're only...

Things That Sound Dirty at Work But Really Aren't:

10. "I need to whip it out by 5."

9. "Mind if I use your laptop?"

8. "Put it in my box before I leave."

7. "If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!"

6. "I want it on my desk NOW!"

5. "HMMMM... I think it's out of fluid."

4. "My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish."

3. "It's an entry-level position."

2. "When do you think you'll be getting off today?"

1. "It's not fair! I do all the work while he just sits there!"

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Really funny jokes-Parking Lot Rules

Parking lots have unsaid rules.

Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.

Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.

Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.

Rule #6 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.

Rule #7 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend or relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.

Rule #8 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule #9 - If you have Handicap license plates and there are empty spaces up front, use up a regular parking spot.

Rule #10 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like the good guy you are, and park somewhere else.

Rule #11 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule #12 - Always leave your shopping cart tightly between parked vehicles.

Rule #13 - Gather up all the coffee cups, fast food wrappers and other bits of trash from your car and leave them in the shopping center parking lot before you leave. Think of it as you helping out in these economic hard times by making sure the parking lot sweeper keeps his job.

Rule #14 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the wheel of the car next to you.

Rule #15 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, breathe in the air and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule #16 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule #17 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.

Rule #18 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the life out of them.

Rule #19 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule #20 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"

Kids jokes-First hailstorm

A little boy aged 4, who had witnessed a hailstorm for the first time, exclaimed to his father,
"Daddy, it's raining dumplings!"

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Die with boots on

Did you hear about Rex, the cowboy who died with his boots on?

He kept them on because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Really funny jokes-Mix up

Sam was attending a conference in New York and staying at a very smart hotel. His wife, Sara, traveled down to New York to join Sam for the conference’s closing dinner/dance.

When she arrived, Sam was still in a meeting so she introduced herself to the receptionist and asked for the number of Mr Wilson’s room.

She was duly given the number and the key and she took the lift to the 3rd floor. Sara wanted to freshen up and be ready for Sam when he arrived back. She unpacked, popped her nightie under the bed covers, showered and got ready for the evening.

Time passed and Sara became concerned that he hadn’t arrived back and she was worried as to whether they would make the dinner on time. By 8 pm she rang reception to ask if Sam was in the bar; she was told that he had gone to his room some 2 hours earlier.

“What room?” spluttered Sara to the receptionist.

“Room 205, on the second floor”, answered the girl politely.

“But I’m in room 409,” exploded Sara in consternation.

“Oh dear,” said the receptionist,"That must be another Mr Wilson’s room!”

Sara grabbed her belonging and dashed down to room 205. She forgot, of course, to remove her nightie. What a surprise for Mr Wilson (and Mrs Wilson!) on returning to the room.

Short funny jokes-Punctuation marks

In a Veteran's Day speech, the American President vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.'

Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Out of town

Two women met for tea at a restaurant. One had a swollen face. Her friend asked: “What happened?”

First one: “My hubby hit me.”

Second one: “But I thought your husband was out of town.”

First one: “Yeah, I thought so too.”

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Clean jokes-Get better

Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain patients in hospitals. He would go from one hospital to another in the city and always carried his guitar with him. He would crack jokes and would sing some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished at one such hospital, he said to an old man, "I hope you get better."

The elderly gentleman quickly replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Really funny stuff-Mirror, mirror, on the wall

Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I'm fine but I can see
you wont cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray

Whats that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;

I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!

Funny jokes-Obesity rate

A survey declares that USA's obesity rate is down. 

They did not complete the phrase - it was intended to be read as "down the toilet," -  giving it a whole new meaning.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Short Management jokes

* The first myth of management is that it exists.

* Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

* Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".

* We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.

* "I've given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"



Sunday, February 17, 2013

Good jokes-Growing up

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'

'It was at a place called 'home,'' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining table and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it :-

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.

It was, of course, black and white and the station went off the air at 10.00 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 am!

And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.

Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home ... But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers My brother delivered newspapers, seven days a week. He had to get up at 5 am every morning to do this.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films.

There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing without profanity or lewd scenes or violence or almost anything offensive.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Really funny jokes-Any fool

Kelly went to see Josie to seek advice in a complicated legal case. Josie listened to her patiently and said, “Look Kelly, you should have gone to an expert in this matter as some legal issues are involved.”

Kelly replied, “That is what I was going to do. But when I talked to my brother about this, he said that any fool can guide you in this. So I came straight to you.”

Friday, February 15, 2013

Really funny jokes-Expensive Greeting cards

Like everything else in life, the rates of various greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds. The store owner of one such shop was often receiving complaints about increasing cost of the cards. But he never took these complaints seriously until one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.

Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is about to turn a hundred?”

Owner: “Sure do.”

The owner led the customer to the related card stand and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”

The customer selected one card, looked at the price printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn’t last for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”

Short funny jokes-Whiskey diet

I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day joke-No sound

On their first date on Valentine's Day, Harry and Gina sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand. Harry and Gina realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"

Valentine's Day joke-Strict attention

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Hilarious jokes-Angry Birds application

A man in Maryland says a flashlight on his iPhone helped save his life after he got lost during a hike. If you think that's cool, this morning the "Angry Birds" app on my iPhone helped save me from three awkward conversations in the elevator.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Clean jokes-Two brothers

Two brothers, Rob and Bob, found themselves a job on a ship.
Rob had really large eyes and Bob had huge ears.

The captain of the ship asked them, "What can you do?"

"Well, I can be a lookout," said Rob, the fellow with the large eyes.

"What will he do?" asked the captain.

"Well, he's my brother, Can't leave him alone. He'll come with me." replied Rob

The captain agreed and said, "All right you can be lookout and take him with you to the crow's nest and keep him out of my face!"

They had been at sea for a fortnight when the whistle from the crow's nest sounded in the wheelhouse!
"Ship bearing port 10."

The captain looked at the radar, not an echo on the scope. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positive," replied Rob, "and what's more, its Chinese."

"How do you know that?" the captain asked.

Rob replied, "My brother Bob can hear them talking!"

Monday, February 11, 2013

Really funny jokes-Confronted

Two deliverymen were taking a large refrigerator to a local priest's home. With difficulty they had managed to get the fridge onto the porch, but struggled for over 20 minutes to make the 90-degree turn through the narrow door.

The priest, seeing their difficulty, asked what they usually did when confronted with such a situation.

Rubbing some badly skinned knuckles, one deliveryman replied, "Well, Father, at this point we usually start cursing."

"Well, gentlemen," the priest replied, "allow me time to move out of earshot so you can continue your work."

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Funny jokes-Reasons for Divorce

Reasons for Divorce

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

Short funny jokes-Old divorced couple

A 93-year-old man filed for divorce from his 90-year-old wife, making them one of the world's oldest divorced couple. 

The divorce lawyer found it strange fighting for the couple's kids to get custody of the old couple.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Kids jokes-Turn seven

I asked my neighbor's kid when he would turn seven.

Pat came the reply, "When I'm tired of being six."

Friday, February 8, 2013

Really funny jokes-Crime scene

Two cops rush to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first cop.

"Male, about thirty, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Oh my God," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigarette, "this is the work of a cereal killer."

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Clean jokes-The things that drive a sane person mad

The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad

* You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

* The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

* The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

* There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

* You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

* There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

* You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

* Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

* A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.

* There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.

* You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

* The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

* A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).

* You set the alarm on your digital clock for 6 pm instead of 6 am.

* The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

* You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

* People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

* Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

* You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

* You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

* You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

* You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Good jokes-Wife's opinion

When a married man says, 'I'll think about it'.....

What he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater

Halloween Lessons from the Movie Theater, in the order of drastic consequences. Please follow them!

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take anything from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

Monday, February 4, 2013

A husband

Ken, joking to his friend over a round of drinks, "Do you know why every woman needs a husband?"

Bud, "Why?"

Ken, "After all you can’t blame the government for every mistake."

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Really funny jokes-Growing up

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "
I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Office jokes-Corporate Structure

Corporate Structure

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Funny jokes-Tiresome

A Russian laborer was given a task to paint a white line right through the middle of the road. On the very first day he managed to paint three kilometers of the road. His employer was happy with him. The next day he could paint only three hundred meters. The boss thought the man was probably tired from the first day’s hard work and let it go. The third day he painted only thirty meters. Now the boss was anxious and demanded an explanation.

The Russian said: “It’s no mystery, boss. It’s getting quite tiresome to walk all the way back to the paint bucket.”