Hilarious jokes-How cold?

Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.

The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."

Robert asked, "How cold is it?"

Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"

Funny jokes-No charge

Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."

Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."

The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."

Really funny jokes-Rules for Non-Pet Owners who complain

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

Really funny jokes-Smart reply

John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.

John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."

Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"

John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"

"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.

John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."

"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.

John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.

When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

John, retorted, "Well, the gift we gave you last year is still unused!"

Perfume brands

Tina, who is in her teens, goes shopping in a mall in Dubai.

As she approaches the perfume counter, the salesgirl shows her several brands like "My Sin", "Bliss", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

Tina says to the salesgirl, "Hey, all I want is to smell nice, I am not looking to get emotionally involved."

Twenty five years of hard work

Harry, a criminal who got a sentence of 25 years in prison was finding it impossible to pass time in the confinement of his cell. So he started training a Queen ant to perform some tricks. Weeks turned into months and months into years - but Harry continued to work on the ant day and night, for thousands of hours. It took 5 years for him to teach the ant to ride a one-wheel bike, another 5 to perform acrobatics, 5 more to sing songs from the "Sound of Music", and a couple of more years to dance like Michael Jackson.

"The day we get out of here," Harry said to the Queen ant, "we're going to explore the night-spots and make millions."

Finally the day arrived when Harry was released. A free man, Harry started out for the city with his friend, the Queen ant, safely placed inside a match box.

He went to a local bar to celebrate and to show off the talents of his trainee. Once seated at the bar, he placed the match box on the bar counter and out came the Queen ant. On prompting, it started break dancing.

"See this ant, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for a magazine, rolled it up and squished the Queen ant with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

Funny jokes-White collar crime

Peter, a stockbroker was convicted and sent to prison for a financial scam involving millions of dollars. He panicked when he saw his cellmate, who looked like a hardened criminal.

Sensing his nervousness, Peter's cellmate said, "There's nothing to worry. I am been jailed for a white collar crime too."

"Oh, that sure is a relief" sighed Peter. "I was convicted for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh, my crime is simpler" grinned the cellmate. "I just butchered a bunch of priests."

Humor-Words

Reasearch says that a man speaks 25000 words a day while a woman speaks 30000 words.

The problem is with the timing - while the husband consumes his 25000 words at work, the wife's 30000 start when the husband reaches home.

Really funny jokes-Best excuse

My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him since a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.

"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh God, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time around the block, there it was!"

Hilarious jokes-The violent intruder

John and his wife were sleeping when they heard some sounds coming from downstairs. They called 911 and reported that someone had probably broken into their house.

But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"

"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."

The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.

Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"

Realization of becoming a Mother

My daughter Maureen, realized she had finally turned into a mother, due to the following observations:

- She developed a habit of automatically double-knotting everything she tied.

- She found herself humming the Barney song as she did the dishes.

- The moment she would hear a baby cry in the grocery store, she would start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth, even though the children were at school!

- She actually began to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- She wept through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to her.

- She got so involved with crafts that she was considering writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- She would spend an hour looking for her glares only to have her little kid comment, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

- She would be dining in a fine restaurant with her husband, when suddenly she would realize that she had reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Funny jokes-Parting with Name

A beautiful girl called Rita was driving around in her yellow sports car when she noticed in the rear-view mirror that a policeman on motorcycle was following her.

The policeman finally pulled her over, and holding a ticket ready, said to her, "Ma'am, do you realize you have crossed the speed limit. Give me your name please."

Rita, not the brightest of women, replied in an irritated tone, "That's just great......and what am I going to be called then?"

Hilarious jokes-Father's in a fight!

Little Tony runs down the street looking for a policeman. When he finds one sipping his coffee, he says to the officer, "Sir, can you please come with me to the bar. My father is involved in a big fight."

The policeman follows him the the bar and finds three men exchanging blows and fisticuffs.

The policeman turns to Little Tony and asks, "Now, which one is your father?"

Little Tony looks up at the cop and says, "I have no idea sir, that's what they're fighting about."

Off target

Jeremy, who joined the army, was considered slow by all his army colleagues. When he was taken to the indoor firing range for training, his trainer gave him some instructions, handed him a rifle and some bullets.

Jeremy fired several shots at the target and when the report arrived, it revealed that he had missed the target completely in all the attempts.

Jeremy looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked again at the rifle, and then at the target. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and pressed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, and he shouted toward the target area: "It's starting from here just fine. The problem seems to be at your end!"

Funny jokes-Horrible accident

Did you hear about the horrible accident last evening involving a guy?

The guy was driving his pickup truck with his motorcycle in the back, when the truck lost control, ran off the road and plunged into the lake.

The guy died trying to get his motorcycle out of the back of the pickup. He drowned attempting to get the tailgate open.

Good jokes-Just one instance

Jim was getting drunk at a pub with his old chum, Bob. Having had a rum too many, Jim started complaining about his mother-in-law, how he found her disgusting, bossy, pompous, intrusive, and unbearable.

Suddenly, Jim leaned over and confessed that he had to give the old gal credit for one thing. There was one instance in his life when he would have cut his throat if it weren't for her.

Bob, surprised by the sudden change of heart, asked "Really? What happened?"

Jim said, "She was using my razor."

Differences in expressions

It's really entertaining to watch the differences in expressions on the faces of guys and girls when the word "facial" is spoken.

Hilarious jokes-What kind of pepper?

Monsieur Pierre was staying in a hotel in Mexico.

He called room service and said, "I need pepper."

The attendant asked, "Black pepper, or chilli pepper?"

Monsieur Pierre yelled, "Toilette pepper!"

Elevator jobs

Bubba, an electrical technician, was out of work.

His friend suggested he take up some elevator jobs in new constructions close by.

Bubba said, "Nope, I don't do elevator jobs."

"Why??" the friend asked.

Bubba replied, "I don't know the route."

The smart carpenter

Andy, a carpenter by profession, had witnessed an accident and was summoned to court to give evidence.

The defendant's lawyer tried to discredit him by asking several tricky questions. One of the questions was, "How far were you from the accident site?"

Andy replied, "Thirty one feet, three and a half inches."

The lawyer asked, "What???! How can you be so sure and precise about that distance?"

Andy said, "Well, I knew sooner or later someone stupid would ask me. So I measured it!"

A busy MBA student

Betty, who was pursuing her MBA in Finance at Harvard, had become too busy with her studies, classes, projects and part-time job.

She realized how long she had been out of touch with her parents when she received the following e-mail from her mother:

"Dear Betty, your father and I enjoyed your last e-mail. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Mom."

Funny jokes-Unique birthday gift

Joe, a billionaire, was in a dilemma. His wife's birthday was approaching and he didn't have a clue what to gift her. There was nothing that she didn't already have.

So, when he shared his problem with a friend, the friend suggested, "I have a great idea. You can prepare a certificate for her which declares she can have three hours of great love making, and in any manner she likes. She should be delighted!"

Joe followed his friend's advise. The next day, when Joe met his friend, his buddy asked, "So, did you take my advice? How did it go? Did you have fun?"

Joe replied, "Oh, she loved it. She was ecstatic, couldn't thank me enough - she kissed me, and ran out of the house, shouting, "I will be back in three hours!"

The wise king's decision

Two women approach the King of Persia, dragging between them a young man called Arya.

"This young man promised to marry my daughter," said one of the women.

"No! Arya agreed to marry my daughter," said the other woman.

The two women kept on arguing in front of the King, until he called for silence.

The king announced, "I have a solution to your problem. I will cut this young man into two pieces with my sword. You will both receive a half."

"I am fine with the idea," said the first woman. But the other woman cried, "Oh King, please do not kill this man. Let the other woman have him and marry him to her daughter."

The wise king had taken his decision. He announced, "This young man, Arya must marry the daughter of the first lady."

"But that's unfair!" exclaimed the court.

The wise King said,"As she was willing to see the young man cut in two, it proves she is indeed the TRUE mother-in-law!"

The crash landing

Jerry, the test pilot in the Air Force, climbs out of the experimental plane, all bruised and battered. The wings and tail of the plane are torn off in the crash landing. The rescue team arrives, and one of the rescuers, seeing Jerry in a bloody mess, asks him,"What happened?"

Jerry, looking very pale, replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Funny jokes-Origins

There guys were discussing the origins of human beings and where did Adam and Eve come from.

Jack, the British guy, said, "They have to be British, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman."

Pierre, the French guy claimed, "There is no doubt they were French. The French are so good at seducing women."

Bob, the American commented, "My guess is they were Russian. After all, who else could roam around naked, survive on one apple between the two of them and still feel they were in paradise?"

Spinster or widow?

Jack and Harold, both in their seventies and both bachelors, were sipping cappuccino in a coffee shop.

Jack said, “Harold, I know it's a little late in my life, but I feel I should get married. What do you say?”

Harold replied, "Sure, why not? Any age is a good age. I think you should go ahead.”

Jack continues, “But I am in two minds, whether to marry a spinster or a widow.”

Harold, “I suggest you marry a spinster. She will anyways become a widow in no time.”

Flasher repair

Dean was recruited in police department as a car mechanic. One day, his superior told him to repair flashers on the top. Dean tried his best but could not get the flashers working. Finally, he took the car to a garage in the city.

Next day his superior inquired about the flashers. Dean said: “Yes boss, they are working fine now. But I had to take the car to the garage to get them working. I thought the mechanic there would fleece me. But all he did was to add 78 dollars worth of blinker fluid.”

Funny jokes-Bowels

Doctor lecturer to medical students: “Our body is made of three parts, one of the three being abdominal cavity. Can anyone tell me what abdominal cavity contains?”

Tom: “Yes sir, abdominal cavity contains bowels-A E I O U.”

Two mothers-in-law

Danny was being tried for Bigamy in a court.

After the judge passed his sentence, he asked Danny, "Have you learnt your lesson and realized what a bad thing it is to have more than one wife."

"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied.

"What is it that you realized?" the judge asked.

Danny replied, "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."

Celebrity jokes-Doughnuts for Bob Marley

Chike says to his Friend Akono, "Guess how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?"

Akono guesses, "With Chocolate flavor?"

Chike replies, "Wi' jam in! ('We jammin')"

Nervous expectant fathers

There are 4 impatient men nervously pacing the floor of a nursing home, waiting for their wives to give birth.

A nurse comes of the delivery room and says to Robert, the first expectant dad, "Congratulations, you've twins!"

Robert says excitedly. "Oh! What a coincidence, I work at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the second expectant father, Mike, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!"

"Wow!! What an amazing coincidence!" says Mike "I work for 3M."

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the third expectant father, Jason, "Congratulations! Your wife has got quadruplets!"

Jason exclaims, "Oh my God! This has to be some coincidence. I work at Four Seasons Hotel!"

Meanwhile, Kumar, the fourth expectant father seems to be worried and breaks into a sweat.

The other 3 fathers ask him, "What's the matter? Why are you so worried?"

Kumar replies, "Well.... I work at Seven-Eleven!"