Saturday, May 31, 2014

Bubba's call

Bubba calls Dr. Sobers in the middle of the night and says, "Dr. Sobers, the missus is experiencing severe pain in the stomach. Think it's her appendix."

Doctor Sobers, obviously upset for being disturbed at 1 am, growls, "What the hell are you talking? I removed your wife's appendix just a year back! Get off the phone

and let me sleep!"

After about 10 minutes, Bubba calls again and says, "Dr Sobers, I am mighty sure it's her appendix."

Dr. Sobers yells, "Good lord, have I not told you already I removed her appendix. Do you know of anyone having a second appendix?"

Bubba replies, "No. I have not. But I can bet you know of someone having a second wife!!"

Friday, May 30, 2014

Love in the modern times

Madonna says to her father, "Daddy, I am head over heals in love with a guy, but he is so far away from me. I am in the US, he lives in India. We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Fb, chatted in Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Google Hangouts and we built our relationship on Snapchat. Daddy dear, please don't preach. Just need your love and support."

Madonna's dad says, "That's something! Why don't you marry on Twitter, have a good time on Tango, purchase your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal.  And if your husband is giving you a tough time, sell him on Ebay."
            

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Worn out!

The elderly Mrs. Caroll walked into Dr. O Brien's clinic.

Dr. O Brien, a renowned gynac, asked Mrs. Caroll to lie down for a check up.

The good doctor switched on his goose-neck lamp and was having trouble holding the lamp in one place to be able to see properly.

Dr O Brien commented to the nurse, "It seems to have worn out."

Mrs. Caroll sat up and exclaimed, "I am 77. What do you expect, doc?"

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

It's a fine day

Jacob says to his wife Geena, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena replies, "Yes, it is."

The next day, Jacob says to Geena again, "Isn't today a fine day?"

Geena reples, "It is, dear."

The next day Jacob asks the same thing to Geena. This goes on for a week till Geena can't take it any more and asks Jacob, "What's wrong with you, darling? I know the weather is good but why do you keep asking if its a fine day?"

Jacob shoots back, "Remember we quarreled last week and you had said you are going to leave me one fine day. well, all I was doing is remind you!"

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Hunting expedition

Phil Sanders is about to leave for his hunting expedition when Tressa, his blonde wife, calls from behind.
"Honey", she says, "I want to join you. I am sure deer hunting is a lot of fun."

Attired in hunting clothes, she was already ready to go before Phil could say anything. Though reluctant, Phil gives in to her enthusiasm and they go together to the forest.

Phil sets her up on a tree stand and instructs her to take a good aim when she sees a deer and then shoot. He promises that he would run back to her when he hears the gun shot.

While walking away, Phil can't suppress a smile because he knows that Tressa will miss even an elephant, so hunting down a deer was out of the question.

Very soon, he hears a volley of gunshots and runs back to the tree stand. As he approaches the tree stand, he hears Tressa voice saying, "Just stay away from my damn deer!!"

Phil runs harder to get to the tree stand wondering what's wrong. As he gets closer, there is more gunfire and his wife's hoarse voice screaming, "I said stay away from that godforsaken deer!!"

When he reaches the tree stand, he sees a man with his hands raised and crying in desperation, "Ok madam, you can have your deer. Will you please allow me to get my saddle off it?"

Monday, May 26, 2014

That's life for you!

My friend Sahil was looking so down and depressed, I had to ask him what was wrong.

His reply was, "How worse can my luck get? You know Sara the nympho, I was hoping to have a good time with her and she said, let's just be friends."

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Take another look

The Smith family was holidaying and they had taken their car along. They were speeding along when they noticed a big green frog in the middle of the road. Mr. Smith braked hard and the car screeched to a stop inches from the frog.

Mr. Smith got out, picked up the frog and took him to the side of the road to safety.

The frog spoke and told Mr. Smith that it was a magical frog and wanted to grant him a wish for saving its life.

Mr. Smith said, "I want my pet Bonnie to bag the first place in the dog race."

The frog said to Mr. Smith, "Ok, let me have a look at your dog."

Mr. Smith called out to Bonnie who limped out of the car. The frog had a look at the dog who had only three legs, was overweight, and just about managed to drag its body. The frog said with disgust, "You want that dog to win the race!! Don't you think it's impossible! Why don't you ask for another wish."

Mr. Smith said, "Ok, can you help my wife win the beauty pageant in the city."

The frog said, "All right, lets take a look at your wife."

Mrs. Smiths stormed out of the car.

The frog said to Mr. Smith, "I would like to take another look at that dog."

Saturday, May 24, 2014

A Stroke

Sir Santa Singh ji came home early one day only to find strange sounds coming from the bedroom.
He ran to the bedroom and pushed open the door only to find his wife lying naked on the bed, sweating profusely and breathing heavily.

He asked her, "What's going on? Are you all right?"

His wife Billo cried aloud, "I'm having a stroke!"

He rushed out of the bedroom and ran for the phone. He called the family doc and was about to inform the the doc about his wife's condition, when his little son came running and said, "Papa, I just saw Uncle Banta hiding in your closet and he is not wearing any clothes!!"

Sir Santa Singh ji gets really mad. He rushes to the bedroom and forces the closet door open. And lo, he finds Banta Singh ji hiding in the closet, in his birthday suit.

Santa Singh ji screams at Banta Singh "You fool, my wife is having a stroke and here you are, running around and scaring the kids!"

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

What are you doing tonight?

Danny's doorbell was ringing and when he answered it, he found his pretty neighbour Sally, pacing restlessly at his door.

Sally, who had recently got a divorce, said to him, "Dan, I am feeling so lonely, I can't take it anymore. I want to let my hair down, get drunk & want to have a good time. What are you doing tonight?"

Danny replied quickly, "I am free!"

"Wonderful." Sally said. "Can you take care of my kids?"

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Old Uncle Alec

Uncle Alec was taking his evening walk when he chanced upon a lady of the night, who was leaning against a lamp post.

The lady called out to Uncle Alec, "Hey old man, why don't you give it a try?"

Uncle Alec replied, "No, young lady, I don't think I can."

The woman persisted, "Oh come on, let's give it a try!"

Uncle Alec agreed and went with her into a seedy hotel room. He surprised her with the rigour with which he performed.

The woman said, "I can't believe you said you don't think you can! You performed like a young boy!"

Uncle Alec replied, "Oh that!! That's not a problem at all, what I can't do is pay!"

Friday, May 9, 2014

Same colour

When Nancy bought half a dozen underwear for her husband Ned, Ned commented, "What made you buy the same colour honey? People may think I never change my undies."

Nancy asked, "which people?"

The silence was deafening!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Deeper meaning

Having just completed my Part Time MBA course of 3 years at NMIMS, Mumbai, I was going through my mails regarding the final exams, and found the following note shared by a frustrated fellow student.

Deeper meaning to Education.

Education takes away 25% of your life to teach you how to throw away the other 75% of your life.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Whatsapp blunder

George received a msg on Whatsapp from his neighbour Toby.

The msg read as follows: "Need to make a confession to you, George. I cannot carry the burden of this guilt anymore. I have been using your wife, day and night,  when you are away. In fact, I have been using more than you. It might sound as a lame excuse but I have not been getting it at home. The guilt is killing me and I seek your forgiveness. I am really sorry and promise you I will never do it again. "


George, with mad anger and tears running down his eyes grabbed his gun, found his wife in the kitchen, and shot her in the head.

A second Whatsapp msg followed from Toby.

"This autocorrect will be the end of me someday. I meant 'wifi' and not 'wife'."

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Language twist

How we twist the English language.

We in India, are capable of tearing apart the English language because we try a bit too hard.

A few gems are listed below -  I am sure you will enjoy reading them.

Sports teacher to Std V students - "hey you four, stand together separately."

Geography teacher to Std III students - "If you can't hang that world map, I will hang myself."

English teacher to Std IV students - "When I am in the class, how can you look at the monkeys outside the window?"

Monday, May 5, 2014

Priest Donald

Priest Donald was feeling upbeat after conducting a charged up revival meeting, and decided to take a walk.

He saw a woman of the night leaning against the lamp-post. Priest Donald said in a powerful voice, "Woman, I prayed for you last night."

"Well, you could have had me if you had come here," she said seductively. "I was standing right here all night long."

Friday, May 2, 2014

Broke bicycle

Little Pamela watched as her mother welcomed Aunt Dorris into the living room. Little Pamela asked her aunt if she would like to go to the backyard to see her bicycle.

Aunt Dorris agreed and they went to the backyard where a brand new bicycle was parked.

Aunt Dorris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! Can you ride it?"

"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, and then added sadly, "but it's broke."

Aunt Dorris looked again at the bicycle and it seemed absolutely ok to her.

So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. What's wrong with it?"

Little Pamela said, "Its strange. Whenever I ride it, it falls down!"

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Comedy of errors

Bob was sharing an interesting story with his friends over drinks. "This is what I call a comedy of errors. Last night while I was partying with you guys at the pub,  a burglar broke into my house."
 
One of the friends asked, "So did he take anything?"
 
Bob said, "He got more than he asked for. He got broken ribs and couple of teeth knocked out! My wife thought that was me coming home drunk.”