Lawyers, the butt of jokes

Here are some amazing examples of lawyers cross-questioning in court.

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning was he dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Now, Mrs Brown, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

Really funny jokes-Bizarre bank robbery

The town's bank manager called the police station to report a robbery.

'You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, sucks up all the money. Then the gang lead the elephant back into the truck. The robbers close the truck doors and the truck pulled away.'

The desk sergeant said, 'Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'

'How can you tell the difference?' asked the bank manager.

'Well,' said the sergeant, 'The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?'

'How should I know? I couldn't see his ears,' said the bank manager. 'He had a stocking over his head.'

One line jokes-Tennis player

Don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them.

Kids jokes-Low marks

Mother: Why did you get such a low marks on that test?

Junior: Because of absence.

Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Really funny jokes-Know Your Taters

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called 'Spec Taters'.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called 'Comment Taters'.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.
They are called 'Dick Taters'.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called 'Aggie Taters'.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called 'Hezzie Taters'.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called 'Immy Taters'.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called 'Sweet Po Taters'.

Funny jokes-Safe and sound

Husband returned from office and wife drew a breath of relief: “Thank lord. Good that you are safe and sound.”

Husband: “Why, what’s wrong?”

Wife: “A few persons were talking near our window that a dumb looking man got crushed under a car.”

What Santa taught me about Life

What Santa taught me about Life

• Encourage people to believe in you.
• Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
• Don't pout.
• It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
• Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
• Make your presents known.
• Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
• Bright red can make anyone look good.
• Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.
• If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.
• Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO!"

History jokes-Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Funny jokes-TV repairman

Tracy's television was not working, so she called in a repairman to fix it. When the repair guy was almost done with his job, Tracy heard her husband's key in the lock.

"Hurry," she urged the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.

Tracy's husband, David came in and made himself comfortable in his favorite sofa to watch some football.

Inside the TV, the repairman was all squeezed up and getting hotter and hotter.

Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, he climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

Kissing the secretary

One fine morning Dean came early into the office and caught his subordinate,Martin kissing his secretary.

Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you good salary for doing this?”

Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”

Funny jokes-Lies of a Graduate student

Top 10 Lies Told By A Graduate Student

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

2. My job prospects look really good.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article.

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

Teacher jokes-Zero

Mark: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.


Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

Really funny jokes-Lost everything

Two girls were sitting in a coffee shop.

First: “My boyfriend, poor soul……lost everything in business.”

Second: “Good lord, you must be worried.”

First: “Oh yes, I keep worrying....after my marriage who is he going to confide in and share his sorrows with!"

Hilarious jokes-Story line

Jany was reading a story from a book to her daughter. The daughter interrupted: “Mom, why does every story start with ‘Once upon a time’? Isn’t there any other line?”

Mom: “Sure there is. There's another line which begins like ‘Dear, there is a meeting in the office and I will be late.....’”

Funny jokes-Abstract noun

The English teacher Mrs. Brown was teaching nouns on a Wednesday morning. She said to her class, "An abstract noun is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Who can give give me an example of one?"

"I can," said Sam, a teenager. "My father's new car."

Really funny jokes-General director

Mark met his former class-mate, Bruce and they had a good talk about their school days.

The topic diverted to their current occupations.

“I am a general director of my own company,” boasted Bruce.

“But I came to know from common friends that you were just a director,” said Mark.

“It was earlier when I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two people in the company - he is the director, and I am the general director.”

Hilarious jokes-Market broker

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained Amy, my yoga batch mate and the wife of a stock market broker. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Really funny jokes-Biggest feet

Val, a Norwegian, had a son, Val Junior who was studying in the fourth standard. One day Val Junior returned from school and asked his father: “I have the biggest feet in the fourth grade, is it because I am a Norwegian?”

Val Senior: “No. It’s because you are eighteen.”

One line jokes-When baking

Include your children when baking your cookies.

Hilarious book titles

Hilarious Book Titles

1) Fancy Coffins to Make Yourself (A book for woodworkers)

2) Knitting with Dog Hair

3) Wood Carving with a Chain Saw

4) Drying Flowers With A Microwave

5) Nuclear War: What's In It For You?

6) How Green were the Nazis?

7) Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

8) How to Avoid Huge Ships

9) Bomb Proof Your House

10)Waterproofing Your Child

Short funny jokes-Dizzy

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.

As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Really funny jokes-Pull Over

Sara was driving home from work when she noticed a Policeman following her.

"Pull over!" the cop announced.

Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.

"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to have to write you a ticket." He then wrote her $25.00 ticket.

Back home, Sara was wondering how she was going to explain this to her husband who would no doubt notice the fee in their checkbook. Suddenly she had a bright idea.

Opening the checkbook register, she made the following entry: One Pullover, $25.00.

Cancer Research

Peter was walking down 35th Street in New York city when he was approached by a woman with a clipboard.

"Good morning, sir," she said. Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

"Just a few minutes?" Peter asked.

"Just a few minutes," the woman replied.

"Okay," Peter said, "But we're not going to get much done."

How old?

An employer was taking interview of a prospective candidate.

Employer: “Have you ever worked anywhere else?”

Candidate: “Yes, sir.”

Employer: “For how long?”

Candidate: “Twenty years.”

Employer: “And how old are you?”

Candidate: “Twenty five years, sir.”

Employer: “How is it possible that you are all of twenty five and you have worked for twenty years?”

Candidate: “I was taking overtime into consideration, sir.”

Hilarious jokes-Fix the mailbox

Rosy said to her husband, "Tim, could you please fix the mailbox for me?"

Tim asked, "What happened to the mailbox?"

Rosy replied, "The post is beginning to rot. It needs a new post, but save the box."

Tim said, "All right, let me see what I can do."

When Tim walked to the end of the driveway, he realized that the post to the mailbox was indeed in bad shape. To free the box from the post, he pulled out all the nails except for one that had rust on it and just wouldn't come out. He wrapped his arms around the box in a bear hug and began trying to yank it off.

Just then a passerby, who noticed the entire episode, commented, "I tried that but it doesn't work. The bills just keep on coming!"

Really funny jokes-Children of Movie stars

The children of two movie actresses were talking.

Tina: “Somebody told me you have a new father, how is he?”

Rita: “Really nice. Come to my place, you can meet him. I am sure you will like him.”

Tina: “I have already met him. Last year, he was my father too.”

Really funny jokes-Women and gossip

Rita noticed that her friend, Julie, who was standing at a distance, was having a conversation with another friend. Judging by their gestures, Rita suspected that the conversation involved a secret.

When the other woman left, Rita walked up to Julie ans asked "What did she tell you?"

"Now you know I never repeat gossip," said Julie.

"All right," Rita sighed.

Immediately, Julie whispered, "So listen carefully the first time!"

Short funny jokes-Phone number

Guess what happened when I requested an economist to give me his phone number - i got an estimate.

Clean jokes-English Channel

Mrs. Kapoor, the English teacher asked a student in class, "Rahul, where is the English Channel?"

Rahul replied, "No idea Madam, our television doesn't pick it up."

Discourage business

When Peter found that his printer was giving faded prints, he took it to a local repair store dealing in computers and printers. A friendly guy at the counter told Peter that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. The counter guy further said that the store charged $40 for such services, and therefore, it would be a better idea for Peter to read the printer's manual and try doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his openness, Peter asked, "Is your boss aware that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the guy at the counter replied sheepishly. "We make a lot more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things on their own first."

Short funny jokes-Zebra crossing

A policeman at a traffic junction noticed a jay walker and decided to catch him.

The policeman said, "Can you explain why you are trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 25 meters away?"

'Well,' replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."

Warning Signs that you are spending too much time Online

Warning Signs that you are spending to much time Online 

# Tech Support calls "YOU" for queries.

#. When an office colleague shares a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.

# You discover yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.


# You like to have your lunch in front of the computer.

# Your children are used to eating cereal in all their meals.

# When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "screaming" at you.

# When at work, your senior frequently reminds you that the word "i" should be capitalized.

# You barely notice anymore when someone has a typo.

# You discontinue talking in full sentences.

# You fail to type with proper capitalization or punctuation.

# You have formed the habit of double clicking your TV remote.

# You dream in codes.

# You have an identity crisis when you learn of someone using a screen name close to your own.

# You are confused as to who you are, having changed your screen names so many times.

# You say "Scroll up" when a friend asks, "What did you say?"

One line jokes-Contortionist

The show host declared to the packed audience that he would be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who said he could no longer make ends meet.

Really funny jokes-Victim’s relative

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and joined a newspaper agency. His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting news. At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. He learnt that there was a fatal accident. Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, move over, I am related to the victim.”

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and reached the spot and guess what?

He saw a donkey lying dead.

Kids jokes-Sales call

Dean, an electronics salesman, makes a sales call and a little kid answers the phone.

Dean: Hello, little fellow. Can I speak to your mother?

Little kid : She is not at home.

Dean: Well, is anyone else at home?

Little kid: Ya, my sis.

Dean: Okay. May I speak to her?

Little kid: All right.

There was a long silence. Then:

Little kid: Hello?

Dean: Oh, it’s you again. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Little kid: I tried. The trouble is, I can’t get her out of the playpen.

Funny jokes-Huge wife

Dave said to his friend Peter, "My wife is so huge, she was relaxing on the beach when the coastguard asked her to move because the tide was waiting to come in."

Peter, not to be left behind, replied, "You got to hear about my wife then. She is so big, she was sitting on the beach the other day when Greenpeace tried to refloat her."

One line jokes-Intoxicated

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Really funny jokes-Expected apology

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

Blood flow

A physical instructor was giving practical demonstrations of various physical positions. He stood on his head and blood ran to his head making his face turn red. Later he asked: “When I turned upside down, blood ran to my face. Now tell me, why the same thing does not happen when I am on my feet?”

A back bencher replied: “May be because your feet are not empty?”

Adult jokes-Don't overdo

A twelve year old boy was charged for raping a twenty year old girl. It was an open and shut casew. There were many witnesses to testify the incident. There was no one to defend the boy. After a few hearings the judge was certain to announce the boy guilty that final day. 

A lady advocate took pity on the boy and decided to defend him, though the case was as good as lost. She thought, at least the kid would have some solace that somebody tried to save him. She argued the case as best as she could but she knew that it was futile. Not one to give up easily, she requested the judge: “Your honor, I have one more point to prove the boy’s innocence. But I don’t want the boy to be embarrassed in front of so many people. Already the boy has gone through so much. I request Your Honor to see the evidence in the privacy of your chamber. We don’t mind the prosecutors accompanying us.”
 

The judge agreed. In the chamber, the lady unzipped the boy’s pants, took out his limp membrane, shook it vigorously and said: “See Judge, how on earth, a kid so small, can rape a twenty year old woman? He can’t even get an erection.” 

And she went on to shake the boy’s tool again to prove her point. The boy whispered: “Madam, don’t overdo it. We will lose the case.”

Collar size

Dean was suffering from bad health for some time. His eyes bulged out, his throat was swollen and he made peculiar sounds when he spoke.
 

The doctor declared that Dean did not have long to live. Undaunted, Dean decided to live life king size till the end. He ordered the best wines and food. He went to a tailor and ordered new shirts, trousers and suit. The tailor suggested 16 size collar. Dean insisted that he would prefer to have size 14 as he always wore that size.
 

The tailor suggested: “Fine sir, if you insist, I can give you size 14, but I must warn you that your size is 16. If I give you 14, your eyes will bulge out, your throat will swell and you will make croaking sound when you speak."

Hilarious jokes-Too long in the toilet

Little Tommy was sitting on the toilet pot. His mother thought he was taking too long, so she went into the bathroom to check on him. Tommy was there sitting on the toilet seat reading a book. But every few seconds, he would put the book down, grab the toilet seat with one hand, and hit himself on top of the head with the other hand.

His mother found this strange and asked: "Tommy, are you okay? You've been in here for a while."

Little Tommy replied, "I'm fine, mom, I just haven't done my potty yet."

His mother said, "That's all right, sweety, you can stay here for some more time, but why do you keep hitting yourself on the head?"

Little Tommy replied: "Works for ketchup."

Short funny jokes-Old and bent

Pete, an old frustrated patient, at the hospital asks the doctor, "Doc, is there anything worse than being old and bent?"

The Doctor: replies, "Of course there there is - being young and broke."

Kids jokes-Growing hair

While giving a bath to Neel, my 4-year-old son, I was applying shampoo to his hair and noticed how fast his hair was growing.

I mentioned this to him and told him he needed a haircut again.

Pondering over the problem, he came up with a solution and said, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

Cold outside!

Jacob was fast asleep in bed with his wife Naomi. Suddenly, Naomi woke him up and said, "Please close the window. It’s cold outside." 

Jacob groaned and turned over.

Naomi nudged him again and insisted, "Please close the window. It’s cold outside."
 

Jacob forced himself up and shut the window. "Does that make it warm outside?"

Twitter and politics

The Library of Congress has collaborated with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. Now you know why Congress is so busy.


The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will also include tweets from Razorasher, who loves to share his homemade marshmallow recipe.

Really funny jokes-Speeding cars

A village was facing a problem of speeding cars resulting in accidents every now and then.

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. It had no effect.

At the next meeting, it was decided to work on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play.
No discernible reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Cloth-less Colony.

As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries crawl throughout the village now.

Animal jokes-Dogs and masters

Two dogs were discussing their lives and their masters in general. The first dog whose owner was a speaker in the House of Parliament said: “My master is a speaker of the House, responsible for maintaining discipline in the House. When I bark consistently, he keeps repeating "'Please….please….silence please.' It’s so funny."

The second dog said: “Your master at least speaks to you. Mine is an MP (Member of Parliament). He keeps barking like us dogs at every one including me. To add insult to injury, he has put a board on his gate ‘Beware of dog.’ Talk about his audacity.

Doctor jokes-Tooth trouble

Justin : “Doctor, there was decay in my upper tooth. You said a worm was eating it away. But you have pulled out my lower tooth. Why?”

Doctor : “You are right. Actually the worm was standing on your lower tooth and doing the job. Now it has no tooth to stand on.”

Short funny jokes-Homing pigeon

Guess how Dennis made his millions with just one domestic homing pigeon?

He sold the dove for a dollar and it kept coming home a million times!